Donna’s spouse died suddenly. It wasn’t supposed to happen, yet,” was all she could think of as she managed to accept the reality of the event. For months, she was crippled by her grievance… linen.

Donna’s reactions were normal. Many people who grieve deeply believe that grieving is passive. They believe that complaints will resolve themselves over time. Others aimlessly search for a cure. They want to believe that there is a magic potion that their doctor can give them that will cure the pain forever. Some mourners hope that someone will reassure them by saying something accurate and perfect that will help them come to terms with their loss. Perhaps your clergy or a spiritual advisor will tell you the magic words that will help you trust God to heal your broken heart; and help them move on. But even more prevalent is the belief that some morning, upon awakening, the mourner will miraculously overcome whatever it is that has plagued him for so long.

But the offense is not like that. It doesn’t just go away. And no one told Gary and me that we had the power to heal our own pain. Like other mourners, we wanted that magic cure. The effort without pain. The simple answer. The quick fix. What we found instead was that the grievance was “work” and only we had the power to heal our own grievance.

What is complaint work?

Grief work can best be described as making deliberate decisions to re-engage in the act of living through self-reflection, social interaction, hindsight, stretching your comfort zone, and rebuilding the image of a new “you.” In simpler terms, it is choosing to move on and live again. Grievance work gives you the power to heal your grievance.

Tort work is a process of reviewing injuries; retell the story; and taking a series of steps that lead to a healing transformation. And sometimes you may inadvertently be doing your grievance job: you don’t realize that what you’re doing is helping to heal the pain! There are no textbooks to teach you or guide you through the process. Complaint work is often not prescribed; undocumented, unencouraged, and left to chance for most bereaved people. But oh, how essential it really is!

No one else can do the work on your complaint for you. You may have large supportive circles of friends, compassionate counselors, unlimited invitations to re-engage, intense love for family and friends, sound advice, and ongoing encouragement… but none of these can do the job for you. It is a choice you make on your own. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it seems that he is not being true to his feelings, that he may be betraying his love for the person who died. Most of the time, it means letting go, not your grievance, but the feelings that are holding you back. Sometimes it takes tears and frustration, but in the end the choice is worth the ambivalence; and the result generates freedom. So where does the power come from? It comes from within… often subtly, at first. Little by little you begin to feel a day with “progress”. In fact, you might think to yourself, “I can do this.” That becomes the first step.

How can you tell if you are doing grief work, intentionally or unintentionally?

There are signs that you are doing a grievance job. Many times you will not see them as signs that you are working to heal your pain. But continued progress and exhaustion of all efforts will lead to all the power you need to heal your grievance.

• you talked to yourself, at least temporarily. You told everyone you know the story of this loss in your life. You have reached the depths of your soul and have felt the emotions of life before, during and after the death of your loved one. The painful parts become less obsessive, and instead you focus on the cherished memories of the good times. Your story becomes important to you and you tell it every chance you get.

• you cried so many tears That you can’t imagine there could ever be another tear left. Yet they are there; And they come at the least expected moments. You recognize that tears honor the special relationship you had with your loved one who passed away. They are the raindrops of life’s adversity.

• you write your feelings until there are few words left in their spoken language to express a grievance and pain as deep as yours. So you use the same words over and over again in different ways knowing that putting them on paper soothes and comforts the pain.

• Looking for answers to all the mysterious “Why me?” questions. Why him/her? Why now?” and you realize that no one can answer these questions for you. It’s not easy to give up the search, but you finally realize that it’s time to ask God, “Now what?” in His plan.

• You make peace with your family and friends that you have held hostage to your grievance in the hope that they will have an unlimited capacity to love and listen. You are grateful for their patience and support. But you realize that the time has come to fend for yourself in this changed world and allow them to get on with their lives too.

• Stop punishing yourself with flimsy excuses. Yeah, you might cringe, and you’ll probably cringe, but what if things had been different. You recognize that all these excuses change nothing. It doesn’t matter what decision you’ve made; you can’t bring your loved one back. You accept that you did the best you could at that time.

• You make peace with God even if you don’t understand it. You may still feel cheated, but you recognize that God holds you in his embrace just as he holds others experiencing painful loss. His son also died. Life and death are human experiences. You place your trust in his continued care.

• Stop holding a grudge against another person who may or may not have been responsible for your loved one’s death.. You recognize that emotions that run deep require forgiveness. This is the only thing that can really free you from your anger. Remember, anger occurs because we cannot control the situation. Forgiveness allows you to move on. It doesn’t release guilt.

• You defied the legal system And win or lose, you’ve done everything you can to achieve justice in a battle that doesn’t bring back your loved one. But you believe that the work you have done gives some degree of satisfaction to someone who has been taken from you. Now is the time to move on.

• You walked a thousand miles in someone else’s shoes and they felt their bread. Many times you would not trade their experience of grievance for your own, because no matter what happens, grievance hurts; but you can better deal with your own loss. And then you recognize that a mile walked in your own shoes is a better option.

• You experience each outburst of injury and turn each outburst into a new joy. A grumbling outburst is a sudden memory that is triggered by a sight, sound, or feeling that initially brings sadness. Over time, sadness can be replaced by fond memories of happy times and pleasant stories. You use this power to share the life of the person who was once a part of you in more positive ways.

• You give credit to what you have learned. You realize that the books you’ve read and the speakers you’ve heard have a deep understanding of what you’re going through, but they can’t do it for you. They can only give you hope that life will be better again, but healing your grievance is really up to you.

• Acknowledge that others in support groups are struggling with similar feelings and disbelief. You joined a group to make a connection and you feel stronger because of that connection. But the journey is made by each one of us, individually. You honor their support and move on.

• You ventured to comfort a friend who has had a recent complaint experience. You are not an experienced mourner, but you are compassionate. Compassion allows you to accept the pain they feel, and something reminds you that just being with them will help them get through this difficult time.

• You take a worthy “cause” or gather around a principle that expresses their intimate feelings. You feel good when you help others. This is top complaint work! You have now completed the circle.

• You honor your “new identity“. You have changed. You honor the role you played as a spouse, parent, sibling, or friend and recognize that while this role has changed, it has made you who you are today. Stronger, wiser, more compassionate, and proud to be you.”

• You invest in life again. You open your heart and mind to new possibilities, new adventures, and new ideas. And you feel inspired. Recognize that “purpose” begins with the attitude and desire to honor what has happened, and a mantra to manage the road ahead.

Complaint work is tedious. Grievance work is grief. Complaint work is something we think little about, but each of us actively tries to work through the most difficult days and make decisions that lead to reconciliation.

For most of us, our tort work peaks with a newfound interest and curiosity about the meaning and purpose of life. Our inner spirit has awakened. We seek and seek answers to the impossible. In doing so, we realize that we are all part of something much bigger than ME. We exist in a universe of many dimensions and our life is tiny in a larger scheme of things. We become religious, spiritual, or both. We are compassionate about living life with dignity, purpose and meaning.

We have signed up for grievance work without intentionally enrolling in any classes or completing any applications to be a lifetime member of something good for our health and well-being. You are healing. You have the power!