Sometimes I hear of wives who are so hurt because their husband thinks he is in love with the other woman or the lover. And the wife sometimes has to grudgingly admit that she can’t help but notice a change in her husband. He seems more carefree or optimistic. His perspective seems to have changed. He says that he hasn’t felt this good or this young in years.

I’ve heard of a wife who said, “My husband has announced that he’s in love with the other woman at his job and he’s telling me there’s nothing I can do or say because he can’t help the way he feels. Suddenly, he’s being loving to our children and kind to their mother.I feel like I have no recourse and no way to defend myself.My friends say that men just think they love the mistress because sex is good and suddenly he has a little excitement in his life Are my friends right? Are men just in love with the other woman? Or can it really be love?

I have a definite opinion on this, but it’s probably not very objective. I have been the spouse who was cheated on, even though my husband was under no illusions that he was in love. And I hear from a lot of people in this situation. As a result, it is my opinion that very often, men are infatuated rather than truly in love. I will tell you some of the reasons behind my opinion below.

To feel real love, it is necessary to truly know and value the other person as they really are: I’d say that if you were to ask one of these men who were supposedly “in love” with their lover what he loved about her, you’d get some pretty predictable answers. Men will often point out her particular physical attributes (“she’s young and attractive”) or describe the way she makes him feel. Examples of this are things like “she understands me” or “she makes me feel alive”.

You will rarely hear him say that she is an honorable person with a kind heart or that he admires her strength and courage. And there is a very good reason for this. He often doesn’t know her well enough to know about these attributes. He only knows her on the surface. And her interactions are all about having fun together in the least amount of stolen time. Therefore, it is unrealistic to think that they will develop a real or meaningful relationship.

It’s easy for him to fall in love with the person he wants or needs her to be: Men often see a very distorted version of the other woman. In fact, he will often mold her until she is who he needs her to be in her own mind. Look, he has to make her into someone who is really special because otherwise there would be no point in him risking her marriage or being so deceitful. Then he will build her up and project into her the things that he wants her to be his.

If he has been feeling insecure about himself, suddenly she is the one who gives him confidence. If he has felt misunderstood or taken for granted, suddenly she is the one who truly appreciates or understands him. If his wife doesn’t pay attention to what’s important to him, suddenly the other woman is the most observant and attentive woman in the world. But here’s the thing. Although all of these thoughts and distortions feel good at first, they are often not sustainable. The longer relationships last, the more likely it is that reality will eventually set in. One day, he will see her in curlers or without makeup. Or one day, she will yell at you or make demands that show her true colors or the true nature of the relationship.

Reality is not as exciting as fantasy: The truth is that no person and no relationship is perfect. No one is going to complete your life except you. And men will often think that adding another woman or a new relationship to their life will suddenly make them happy when they haven’t changed anything in their life or their behaviors. True love that is rooted in reality comes with knowing all the facts about the other person, including their assets and flaws, and loving them anyway. True love arises when the other person needs you, even when things are not perfect or easy.

The “love” that is based on deception and that happens while you are cheating on your partner is not real. It’s fantasy. It feels fun and exciting at the time, but guilt and reality often come calling. It is very difficult to feel good about the relationship deep in your heart where it counts. Because you know you have lied and cheated on the one you promised to love the most. And in the quiet corners of your mind (when you’re not with that other person and experiencing the high of the new relationship), it starts to eat away at you.

So, to answer the question posed, I believe that many men are in love with the other woman because they have built her to be who they need her to be at that moment. Of course, men sometimes tell me that her lover is now her wife and that they are blissfully happy with her new soulmate, but I think this is the exception rather than the rule.