Where to find a quote:

• Your school, college, or workplace: Yes, many a romance has started with a note scrawled on a paper airplane tossed across the classroom, or a cheeky email from the sales guy offering to help you check your stats. But remember, everyone will know when you’re in a relationship. Don’t pretend you can keep it a secret; They will find out, believe me. And of course everyone will know if you break up too. You will also have to see your ex every day afterward. As for crushes on your teacher, teacher or boss. No! No! No!
• Places the boys go to: game shops, sports fields, pubs with cheap beer and Sky TV. The only problem is that some guys might be too engrossed to notice you there, even if you danced naked in front of them.
• Internet Dating: The good news is that this has removed the stigma of sad and lonely hearts that dating agencies used to have and can be a great and fabulous way to find a date. Many people I know have even connected with The One in this way. But remember, people can and do do it online. And post absurdly flattering images. So the fit young man you were hoping to meet might turn out to be a fifty-five year old accountant with halitosis. Or even worse, some dubious character with scarred faces, black teeth, and a suspicious sauna business. So be careful and remember your online safety rules if you don’t want to end up disappointed. Or dismembered.

What not to do on a date:

• Before the appointment, do not experiment with major changes in appearance, especially in your hair. So no ‘funky’ haircuts that will make you look like a tomboyish lesbian unless that’s what you’re after. And no poodle perms. Please.
• Don’t wear anything too uncomfortable or complicated in the day like that “miracle” strapless bra that will work its way up to your waist and bulge out from under your sweater.
• Or something too outrageously sexy. No black lace bustiers or crotch-grazing red leather skirts. You don’t want it to look like you’re charging by the hour.
• On the other hand, don’t wear girlish things either. Sparkly pink plastic hair bands or jewelry are for kids; if you’re old enough to date, then you don’t need them.
• On the date, do not talk about your ex, shopping or your personal problems. He doesn’t want to know.
• And never do any of this. Get drunk. Tell dirty jokes. sleep with him I’m sorry, but your mother was right, if you want a second date, she acts like a good girl, at least at first.

What to do on a date:

• Wear discreetly sexy clothes: the little black dress or your favorite butt-enhancing jeans.
• Look your best, be approachable, and smile a lot. Ok now I realize this advice will not please some feminists and I would love to say that guys don’t care about looks and just want girls to be smart, informed and witty but hey. . . There must be some reason Brad Pitt and Daniel Craig aren’t answering my calls.
• Guys like to talk about themselves, so encourage them. Try asking questions like: “Tell me, how often do you have to practice soccer, rugby, ludo, tiddlywinks (whatever) to be as good as you are?” And okay, I know this sounds like horrible agony. So completely corny. So totally works like a dream. Try it.
• Listen to your quote. I repeat listen to your quote. Guys love attention. Anyway, you wanted to meet him, right? And he will find your interest attractive. Very.

If you do all of this, chances are everything will turn out fantastically well on the night, but there are no guarantees in romance, so you might want to check it out. .

Signs that a date is going wrong:

• He does not appear.
• He shows up but after twenty minutes he receives a phone call from a friend telling him that he has to leave immediately due to some unlikely “urgent” problem. His apartment is on fire, her grandmother has lost her hip replacement or she needs to take her parakeet to the dentist. Whatever the excuse, it’s his prearranged plan to “get out of a bad date.” You might consider using this hack as well.
• He spends all his time looking at other girls.
• He has well-groomed nails, is genuinely into fashion, and spends all his time staring at the handsome bartender.
• And he runs through the hills if he seems very enthusiastic but. . .
• His hobbies include things like making matchstick models of the Taj Mahal, speaking Klingon, or collecting anything: stamps, model cars, train schedules, it doesn’t matter. It will bore you pointlessly.
• Believe in flying saucers, corn circles or levitating monks. Whatever. The guy is either very stupid or very weird.
• He confesses that he can’t pick you up at your house since you live ten miles from his ex and she, inexplicably, doesn’t have a restraining order against him.

 And finally…

Signs that the date is going well.

Oh come on, you don’t need anyone’s advice on this. You will know. Have a wonderful time. .

About me 

I write funny romance novels mostly for teens, but a lot of adults also read them so they can look back and laugh (or cringe). For many years I taught science in Glasgow secondary schools, so the teenagers, their teachers and parents were my world. Write about what you know, they say, so I did. Most of the things that happen in my stories are inspired by real life events that happened to me or people I know. But the characters are completely fictional, of course, so alumni, colleagues, parents, and their lawyers have nothing to worry about. Honestly.

You can learn more about me and my books, plus read other fun stuff on my website: www.lizrettig.com