Many wives would love to know what the other woman is thinking after the affair is over. Many assume that the other woman prided herself on separating a man from her family and she was indifferent to the idea that she was potentially breaking up a family. Many wives envision women setting out to tempt married men to leave their homes.

These wives might say something like, “I’ve never seen the woman my husband cheated with. I know she’s a little younger. I picture her as conceited and conniving. My husband said he didn’t hide the fact that he was married, but apparently, this didn’t bother him at all. In fact, my husband eventually confessed that he almost saw it as a challenge: to get a resilient man to cheat on her. When I became suspicious of the affair, he tried to break her up and tried very hard to not let this happen. I really don’t want to talk to her or look for her, but I have to admit I wonder what she thinks about all of this. I wonder if she feels triumphant that she finally wore down a married man and potentially destroyed a family. No there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like I have the ability to make her regret it or anything. But out of my own curiosity, I’m just wondering how smug she’s feeling right now. Is conceit common? in all the women who cheat with men who are already dy spoken?”

Honestly, it varies. Just as the personality and motivations of all of us are different, the same is true for women in this situation. Sometimes I hear from them and some are quite sorry. Some did not intend to start the relationship. On the other side of the coin, some just didn’t take the relationship as seriously. They were just looking for a pointless distraction, so they don’t have strong feelings one way or the other. And yes, there are those women who see it as a challenge or a game to tempt or deceive married men. And these are the women who can feel like they’ve won a prize when they get him to cheat on them and who feel like they’ve lost something when the affair is over.

I understand why you want this information. I used to have the same kind of questions after my own husband’s infidelity. But I’ll tell you an unfortunate secret. What the other woman thought or felt is truly irrelevant to her bottom line. Thinking about it or insisting on it is not the best for you. Nor do you fantasize about revenge. Frankly, the best possible revenge is to move on with your life and restore your own happiness, no matter what comes and looks like.

I know it may seem very easy for me to suggest that you try to cut her out of your life and move on. But I say this because it’s a lesson I learned. The longer you prolong thoughts of her, the more you prolong the pain and your own healing. It’s easy enough to wallow in misery and depressive thoughts after the affair, but all of this hurts more and for a longer period of time. The sooner you can distract yourself by working on yourself and moving forward, the sooner you can get her out of your mind. When you do this, it makes it easier and faster to heal, which really should be your goal.

I know it is very painful to suspect that the other woman felt that she “won” or that she hit you by turning your husband’s head off. But think about it for a second. What did she really win? She had a quick and pointless relationship with a man who already belonged to someone else. She had no chance of a lasting relationship because he tried to end her when there was danger of you finding out. That had to hurt instead of feeling triumphant. The truth is, most of the time, the adventure eventually ends. Yes, it can feel great for everyone involved for a short period of time. But it almost never ends well. And when it’s over, both parties have to face the reality of what they’ve done and accept responsibility for it. In reality, they are looking at a failed, doomed, and embarrassing relationship. And honestly, that can’t feel too good. In fact, it can feel like regret, fear, and guilt. Neither of these emotions feels particularly triumphant.