Maybe it was an annual mammogram; perhaps you found a lump or experienced pain in your breast. Whatever got you started on this breast cancer journey, it’s important to recognize that you walk the journey as a whole person. That means that breast cancer affects you emotionally and physically. My understanding of this topic comes not only from my training as a psychotherapist, but also as a breast cancer patient. So let’s explore some ways to strengthen your emotional health as you go through this experience.
It is important to have an emotional survival plan in place as early as possible in the treatment process. To create your plan, identify three to five people in your life who are emotionally safe, supportive, and can be available to you during treatment. Invite them to be part of your support team and share what you are asking of them. Be clear if you are asking for emotional support or need something more tangible like wrinkles for chemotherapy or prepared meals. If you don’t have loved ones nearby, ask for a referral to a cancer support network that can help you. If you are used to being independent, asking for help can be a difficult task. But it is absolutely crucial.
The second step in creating a plan is to identify your healthy coping skills. List five coping skills that are feasible for you during treatment. My coping skills were tied to being an athlete before my cancer diagnosis. I had to learn to expand my list, which then included listening to inspiring audiobooks, meditating, listening to spa music on Pandora, and writing. That way I had coping skills for the days I wasn’t feeling well. Why write these coping skills? Because the days you need them the most are probably the days you won’t be able to remember them. Having a list to consult will be infinitely useful.
The third step is to define a goal or theme for your treatment period that transcends the physical aspects of the disease. This can give purpose or meaning to your time in treatment. I had 52 chemotherapy treatments, one every week for a year. I was so overwhelmed that I decided to call it The Year of the Inner Work. I focused my attention on what I could learn about myself, others, life, and the world with cancer as my teacher. I worked on being a better person, mother, partner and friend. This topic allowed me to focus on something bigger than the cancer or my treatment.
Another step is to identify ways you can take care of yourself. List four or five things that could increase your self-care. This could include anything from receiving meals to asking someone from your religious community to visit you to adjusting your exercise routine. It can be small or big. For example, I was diagnosed in the fall, which meant I had to do Christmas shopping for my loved ones. To take good care of myself, I ordered all the gifts and gift bags online. This allowed me to continue choosing gifts for the important people in my life without physically draining my energy. Be creative!
Embrace your own emotions from a place of self-pity. Many celebrities portray their cancer journey in a positive light and that’s great. There are many life lessons that cancer can teach. But cancer also has its dark days; those days when gratitude for being alive has faded and you feel exhausted and discouraged. Acknowledge those emotions and know what will pass. I guarantee you won’t get anywhere by beating yourself up for not having a positive attitude. In fact, research shows that self-shaming is more destructive than constructive to the healing process.
Accepting your own emotions can be difficult if the people in your life need you to be positive because they don’t know how to deal with the raw emotions that come from cancer. You may feel the pressure to invalidate your own feelings to ease the emotional discomfort of a loved one. It’s important to remind yourself that it’s not your job to control their feelings, especially during this time. A simple, “I’m going to allow myself to experience my own feelings. I trust you can handle yours,” can help clear your thoughts with them.
Many people assumed that as a therapist I would know how to manage my emotions during this time. But the emotions that follow a breast cancer diagnosis can be overwhelming for everyone. Making an emotional survival plan will be helpful and can guide you through the most emotionally challenging times. Be sure to include support people, coping skills, your theme for your treatment period, and your list of self-care strategies. If you follow the plan and feel you need more support, contact a therapist in your area who can help you talk about the emotions that are troubling you.