Real relationships are like growing tomato plants. Now, I am not a gardener by trade or even by passion, but I have watched my Mother garden for years and have never seen a plant do anything other than thrive under her care. In this article are just some observations that I have made and how I have seen several similarities in the successful development of relationships between people.

Tomato plants need water, but providing the right amount and frequency of watering are critical. Pouring too much water leaving the soil soggy will drain the plant and/or lead to mold problems. Of course, if the plant doesn’t get enough water, the plant wilts and the fruit loses its support (and its flavor). If it’s been dry for a long time and you hit it with too much water, the tomatoes will swell up so fast that they split open on the sides. No one picks up a split tomato from the supermarket shelf. However, give the plant the correct amount of water on a regular but intermittent basis, and the plant will be strong but want more. The plant’s desire for more water is the driving force for further growth when the next dose of water is administered. The same applies to relationships. Holding back the emotional “water” will eventually kill the relationship. Emotionally drenching the relationship usually doesn’t work either, since, to quote Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence (1995), “…and everyone knows that nothing will drive a woman away faster than knowing that she is in total control of the relationship.” relationship.” Similarly, “soaking” the relationship too deeply and too quickly increases the likelihood that the tides of each other’s emotions will crash against each other (or separate) because they haven’t learned to emotionally ebb and flow with each other.

Relationships are also like tomato plants in that weeds are invasive, ubiquitous, and grow faster than tomato plants. Anyone who has worked in the garden for five minutes knows how much work weeds are because they have spent four and a half minutes pulling them. In relationships, “weeds” can be those problems that start cropping up early on, and since they’re small, seem trivial and easily ignored. Later, they grow a bit bigger and maybe seen as “lovely”, but they’re not really problems yet. However, if there are many, even if they are small, they compete with the plant for nutrients and water, subtly stressing it. By the time the weeds get tall, making it difficult to find the tomato plants and see what condition they are in, it is too late. Try to weed (solve the problem) at that point and you will damage or uproot the tomato plant as well. The relationship grew with the “weed” in sight, so they were fine then, but now you want to change the rules and say they’re not fine? … Nobody likes that.

A tomato plant left alone will grow two to three feet or so before collapsing under its own weight and/or stopping growing. Give it a strong structure on the side that it can climb on and it will grow to five feet or more and produce much more fruit (plus the fruit will be taller so it’s not on the ground and cats can’t urinate on it). The man has to provide that support, structure and strength so that she feels safe to grow and reveal her fruit.

There is a gardening technique called double digging. Basically, before you plant your tomato plants, you dig the garden down a foot and turn the soil from the bottom up. Then you dig again, this time to two feet, and again lay the soil from the bottom up. Plants are normally limited in their growth by the hard layer of soil six inches below the surface. Give them some depth to root and it’s normal to get twice the production and growth of above-ground plants. The scars of our lives and underdeveloped areas act as “stale bread” for those who try to grow in our lives. Dig beyond that hardness within ourselves, turn it around and break it before the friend/partner/etc. being planted in our lives gives them so much more depth to be drawn to, explore, and grow. The only “plants” that are interested in growing on the surface are moss, lichen, and mold.

Also, royal gardens have bugs. All tomatoes, and especially the leaves of the plants, are bitten by insects. Insects will cause minor damage to the plant, but will usually scab over and heal well, with only a small scab or hole in the leaf. If you’re hanging out with a tomato plant and it’s free of bugs and scars, it’s probably made of plastic (emotionally frozen, never growing, learning, responding to your input, or bearing new fruit).

I thought this analogy would break down when it came to the topic of fertilizers. “Throw a bunch of stinky crap at the plant/relationship and watch it grow,” right? However, good gardeners know that plants and people are also remarkably alike in this area. Throw a bunch of fresh manure in a garden and it will burn and kill the plants. A good fertilizer comes from taking that manure and composting it. This requires subjecting it to heat (usually generated internally) for long periods of time (sometimes years) and putting a lot of effort into turning it regularly. This process breaks down the toxic parts of the manure into forms that are beneficial to the plants and are easily consumed by them. People are alike in that retaliation for hurt feelings on the spur of the moment is often polarizing and unproductive, but if that “muck” can be converted and composted a bit more, it can be turned into the “when it comes” form. did”. Eastit made me feel that“, which allows the other person to internalize the criticism in a digestible form and gives you concrete reference points for the process of changing your behavior and becoming a better partner.