I get a good deal of mail from wives who have husbands in their mid-life crisis. The wives are understandably concerned and worried. Wives often look for some way to get their husbands out of this. They have often tried to talk to him or discuss this, but nothing has worked. Your husband is often defensive and may become angry during the argument. Many of these wives can literally feel like their marriage and husband are slipping away. So they decide to write a letter because they want to say what they feel they desperately need to say.

However, many are not sure how to do it, or even if this is the best idea. Here is a typical concern. A wife might say, “My husband has been in a mid-life crisis for about a year. Initially, he started when I noticed that he seemed restless, distant, and distracted. I mentioned it to him, and he denied it.” something was wrong. Then she attended a high school reunion and that’s when things really went sour. He started complaining about our finances and saying that many of his classmates were in a much better place than he was. He talked about quitting his job. and go back to school. He started spending ridiculous amounts of time in the gym. Of course, this worried me. But I didn’t completely freak out until he started talking about a marital or trial separation. yet. But I’m sure it’s all just a matter of time. I have tried to discuss this with him. Numerous times, in fact. But then we end up arguing and he accuses me of accepting the status quo and questioning why. I never want to search for more in my life, like he’s some kind of slacker. I want to tell my husband that it’s honestly time to grow up. We are adults with adult responsibilities. We cannot get caught up in pondering the meaning of life. I love my husband and it kills me to see him drift further and further away from me and become more and more unhappy. I want to write him a letter and tell him all this, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. What should a letter say to a husband in a mid-life crisis?”

I can certainly give you some guidelines, but since you know your husband better than anyone, you would be in a better position to judge this. Also, only you are intimately aware of the situation and what your husband finds most troublesome. But here are my thoughts. I hope they are useful.

He understands why you have to be very careful what he listens to in your message: I understand that you want to tell your husband to get rid of or to grow up. But from my experiences and observations, I have come to the conclusion that this is a strategy that is very risky and often fails. This is especially true because she has said that her husband gets argumentative and defensive when she tries to talk to him about it. Honestly, what you are experiencing is very typical. No one wants to feel that his spouse is saying that he is being an old fool that he just needs to snap out of it. I know it sounds harsh, and I know that’s not how you mean it. But what you must understand is that this is how your husband listens. He’s in a place where he’s obviously struggling and feeling a little bad about himself. So the last thing he probably wants is to hear the person closest to him criticize him at a time when he feels most vulnerable. (I know men in midlife crisis often don’t LOOK vulnerable. But that’s the crisis: trying to hide or banish weakness.)

The tone you may want to consider in any letter: Before writing the letter, I want you to try to put yourself in your husband’s place right now. I know this is a challenge, but I think it’s very important. Imagine that you feel solely responsible for your family’s finances. (Even when their wives work, men feel that it is ultimately their responsibility.) Now imagine that you saw old friends who have more money than you. This makes you feel amazing about yourself. So you try to control what you can. He considers going to school to get a better job, but realizes that he is getting old. You try to go to the gym to feel younger. But still, you’re getting old. All of this hurts. And your wife looks at you with angry eyes and demands to know what’s going on with you.

I ask you to visualize this because I want you to feel what he feels before he puts pen to paper. And I want him to understand how important it is that you approach him with understanding and support rather than critically or with the intent to “shake some sense out of him.” I’m not sure the actual words matter. It is the feeling that matters. And in my experience, the feeling should be that you care that he’s struggling, that you love him, and that you want to support him in this. He wants her to know that, more than anything, he wants her to be happy and know how valuable he really is, regardless of whether life didn’t turn out exactly as either of them planned. In the meantime, you want him to know that you are there for him, to listen or support him, or to offer him what he needs.